6056amy

Im trying to be positive but im done. I HATE being here and Im not having fun anymore.

When I was really little and everything was going wrong with my family I used to fantasize that my dad was actually alive and he would come back and rescue me. Ive found that when you live your life without something, you start to envy the things that everyone else would find horrible. I used to envy the kids you see on t.v. or the books I would read where their parents were divorced. It seemed almost adventerous that they had two lives, and when one life wasnt working, they could have a break and join the other. In a family where I became accustomed to feeling like an outsider it was nice to dream of a place where you had two parents who loved you so much they would fight over you. I know its extremely naive, and I know with every part of me that my mom loves me beyond any measure. I guess what Im trying to say is that Ive always felt a little lost. Ive always felt a little left of centre to everyone else.

Ive grown out of the fantasy. I know that he really is gone and that this is my life and I am grateful for what I have. I guess Ive just never truly gave up on the idea of being saved. As independent as I perceive myself to be, when things get rough I always find myself hoping that someone will come and take it all away for me. Even when I realize in the past that Ive always saved myself.

And I dont want to seem ungrateful, because I am. I just wish I could always be surronded by the people that make me happy. I love my friends from school - honestly, just talking to them once and awhile brightens up my whole day.

Its silly because the more time that goes by, the more anxious I get. And you hear all the words of advice of how it "comes to you when youre not looking" or it "comes to you only when you are truly happy with yourself", but it feels like time is breaking me down.

What is wrong with me?

"They say what tears you down, it can only build you up stronger"

1 month to go <3

Okay, just went back and read through old posts. I cant even remember feeling that way about him anymore.

What happened?

I try not to return calls anymore. I have nothing to say.

Isnt it weird how you can go from being so involved to completely on your own?

Last summer I had everything worked out. Its amazing how ending a relationship you knew wasn't working and you weren't feeling in your heart can completely change everything. It makes me feel disposable that I have friends that are more interested in their social plans than how I feel in a situation. I can honestly say I have begun to hate listening to their problems when they completely ignore my feelings. All I can say is that this situation has definetely made me learn a lot and has forced me to grow up and evaluate why I do the things that I do. It has forced me to decide what I truly want and has honestly made me so much stronger I cant even believe it; it is unfathomable.

There are so many things I have decided that I've wanted in my life and I feel like I am so close to them I can taste them and feel them but I'm just not there yet. I've never been a really patient person and I feel like I'm only become more anxious, yet more excited and grateful with time.
"Once you decide what you want to do with the rest of your life, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible"

To be perfectly honest, if none of this would have happened, I don't think I would have been as strong as I feel right now so I am internally grateful for it. Now I know that I have not just the motivation to go after what I want, but the confidence that I'll be okay once I'm presented with the oppurtunity. That doesn't mean that there isn't growing pains along the way, because there definately is. Im thankful I have a few people in my life that support me in whatever choices I make. Im learning to accept that sometimes people are quick to judge and may not accept the choices you have made. But you need to have faith that you made the right decision. Always trust your gut instinct. And after everything, I still believe a relationship that does not inspire you, that does not feel right in your heart, is not a relationship worth being in. After everything, I am still so happy with the decision that I have made.

However, Im still a sucker at heart. And I really want to find love. Ridiculous, heart-fluttering, consuming, move-across-the-world, feeling-of-home kind of love. I dont want to settle for anything less than that. I know I'll attain it someday soon. Maybe it is best that I become indepedent and very confident before I decide to be with another. Because Im tired of dating just anyone. I want "the one". Its coming to me soon, but like I said...Im impatient lol

"..And then the time came, where it was more painful to remain a bud than to not bloom and grow"